He's Not a Boy, Not Yet a Man

With some slight adjustments to one of Miss Britney Spear's song, we get a summary of my recent dating experiences. Yes, that was experiences with an "s".

If you have read any previous posts I have made it clear that I have not been one to date much. I'm a relatively normal and healthy LDS woman, but I'm tall, opinionated, and I hate animated films. Unfortunately those traits do not bode well with the majority of LDS men. Also, I'm over the age of 31. I've expired and have been cast out and forced to live among the insanely young baby breeders, teenagers, and the oldies. I love my ward, but it's more effective to poke fun at those who are different from me.

So the point that I was trying to make is that lately I have been dating. It all started back in November when I was matched up with a guy and we seemed to hit it off right from the start. He is significantly younger, but I didn't feel the age gap and I saw a lot of maturity in his views and thoughts. I liked him from the start. The only problem was that he didn't live in my city, and the only contact we had was over the phone.

After a few weeks of talking with A, a guy I've known for years started asking me out. B is also younger than I am, but not as much as A. We went on weekly dates and had a great time, but I wasn't sure if we could connect on a deep level, especially when I felt I already had that with A.

What started to happen was that I saw things I liked in both of them, while simultaneously seeing boyishness which reminded me that we are in different places in life. I am very open to dating younger guys, but with A I started to feel like I was his mother, and with B I felt like I was his teacher.

So there I was, sort of dating these two guys and seeing all of these things that bothered me, but trying not be shallow and quick to make decisions. Don't be critical of me - they were big things. Righteous judgement, Folks. I saw good, but I had to keep asking myself if it was enough upon which to build a romantic relationship.

When my close friend met A she later told me that she thought he seemed like a boy, and that I belong with a man. The same thing has been said about B from the masses of mutual friends we share. So what exactly is a man? Well, from recent experiences, I have a few things to add to the list.

A man will not respond to a text about a date with "word."
A man will have his own car and be able to pick me up.
A man will take care of his health.
A man will talk to me about his intentions.
A man will make an effort to get to know my family and friends.
A man will be kind to my mom.
A man will make a move after a month of dating.

These boys/men who were in my life meant a great deal to me and I will cherish the memories and all that I have learned, but I move on, and I'm moving to the place where the men hang out. Does anyone know where that is?

Come on, jump in

Dealing with the emotions of dating relationships is tricky stuff. As soon as we develop an interest in someone we immediately become emotionally vulnerable. It's hard to control those feelings, and the more the other person gives you, the more you want him. Before you know it the boy is consuming all your thoughts and suddenly your other interests and goals seem less significant in the great scheme of things.

Why is it then, that when we are dealing with such delicate feelings, ones that can be so easily crushed and destroy all our hopes and dreams, that we dive in head first? It's risky, dangerous, could leave us with a serious head injury, but we dismiss all that and take the risk, often crashing and causing a concussion of the heart.

Several months ago I got back in touch with a male friend whom I've known for a few years. We were living on separate continents while I was overseas studying, but we flirted via email and then we started Skyping. He got serious very quickly, wanting to know how often we would talk, and asked me to be his girlfriend. Keep in mind we had never been on a date, so I declined the offer, however we discussed having interest in one another and no one else, and wanted to develop things until we could see each other in person. We started talking every day and this went on for about a month and a half. As this was happening, my feelings started to catch up with his as he started using pet names and telling me all his plans for our future. He even made a joke about our future grand kids - gasp! I liked him. He was exactly my type, and I was falling, but not as quickly as he was.

Things seemed great during that time, but then he suddenly started to pull back, and made comments about us just being friends and how he was trying to find someone locally. I'm sorry, but are you planning dates with all your girl friends, calling them "Sweetie" and signing off with love hearts? If so, you've got more to deal with than a slew of angry girls. After that, things started to die. By the time we were on the same continent again there was nothing from him. He had sure been keen on labeling the relationship, but not on ending it. I'll never get my closure, or the grand kids.

It was a tough time for me, but I saw a pattern I've seen many times before. He got really excited about the idea of me. I could check off his boxes and he thought he wanted me. He made that decision as soon as I gave some mild reciprocation, and then off he goes planning our wedding. Just as I start to catch up, he's already submitted the divorce papers and back into the singles scene. Why do guys do this? Why can't they just simmer down, get to know the girl, and then gradually increase the contact and the dating in order to truly build a relationship?

Tonight I was talking to a dear friend of mine who has sadly just experienced a cliff jumper of her own.

1. They made meaningful eye contact in a social gathering
   
2. He got her number
3. He started asking her out and sending cute text messages
4. He held her hand
5. He sent a text message saying that he didn't want to lead her on and that they should just be friends.

What the what?! It's a little too late to not "lead her on". What does that even mean? He already showed he liked her, but somewhere between a few dates and hand holding he changed his mind for whatever reason. Instead of manning up and saying why, he pretends nothing was ever there.

It's a common story for the gals, and we are always left bewildered, feeling the lingering sting of the slap to the face that came from nowhere. There is no point in trying to slap back; he's already gone.