I have always heard that men like to chase, but I wonder if it's worse in the world of Mormon dating. I know a fellow who always seems to take an interest in girls who do not reciprocate. Each time he makes his interest known, he pursues, and she rejects. For many a rejection would be indication to move on, however this seems to only encourage him more. I once heard him say that the ones who are hard to get are the ones worth chasing. But when they don't want you back, doesn't that just seem idiotic? Why do guys want to make things so complicated, and face rejection over and over again?
This boy is not unique. I've seen it time and time again. I've also seen many cases when the guy finally does get the girl, when she finally sees past his stalker and obsessive behaviour and somehow spots some charm, the boy starts to pull back, getting cold feet and suddenly ends things, often immediately finding a new victim to hunt. The thrill of the chase seems to be all that they want, and once the girl is caught, there is no real interest in a lasting relationship.
So what is wrong with these boys (and yes, I will insist on calling them boys unless they prove otherwise)? Don't they desire a relationship? Do they not want a real companion? Are they not interested in a girl who will love them in return? There must be something lacking within these souls to continually be attracted to girls who are not attracted to them. Also, what does it say about the boy who thinks a girl is so amazing, the perfect girl worth pursuing even after rejection, only to have her and then lose interest? He must not really know what he wants, or he must be too shallow to really see the girl for who she is, and instead falls in love with the idea of her.
Ah, the Idea of Her. This is a common one in Mormon culture, and it makes boys get in the way of their true interests and finding real compatibility. Because we are all looking for the one shot at marriage there is a lot of pressure to find the whole package. Boys love to create in their minds the perfect future wife. She is small and doesn't show any signs of FP (Fat Potential). She plays the piano and sings. She comes from a big family and wants to have lots of kids. She is studying to be a dental assistant or primary school teacher. She is not bitter and not over the age of 25.
Well, there are a lot of girls out there who do fit that stereotype, but not all guys subscribe to this image of perfection. Every guy has his own idea constructed in his head and is on the hunt to find it. The problem is that he will often find one aspect of a girl that he likes, and then hone in and begin the hunt assuming she is The One and has all the qualities he wants in a wife. He spends so much time chasing the idea, he doesn't even know who he's caught once the game is over.
I know exactly what you are talking about here! I have noticed I am one of those guys that pursues the idea and I also love the chase.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but there is something about a girl with these kind of aspects that intrigues me and makes me want to chase after them. The problem is that it is a cycle and it is hard to get out it.
Maybe it is my age, considering I am 22 and it is a less mature form of dating, but it is so hard to go against what comes to me as the natural thing to do.
Interesting thought process here.
John - Thank you for being the first male to offer your perspective here on our blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that this desire to chase is due to your age - I still see it in the older fellas.
You have a good point though when you say "it is so hard to go against what comes to me as the natural thing to do". Men are known to be hunters and chase after what they need for survival. If both parties are aware of this need, perhaps it will help us a bit as we try to build relationships.
With that said, while I'm aware of the need for men to chase, I still don't know how to work with it and often show my cards when they show theirs, giving it all away.