Online Dating: Take 1

I'm online. I have always been opposed to the idea of meeting potential dates online, but I have reached a point where I can no longer rely on church programs to introduce me to new guys, and I'm not in a field of work that allows me to interact with many single men. Also, I keep meeting people in happy relationships who have met due to online introductions. It's really no different from a blind date, but in this case you actually get to screen the candidate and see if you truly do have common interests, unlike many blind dates where you are just matched because you are similar in height and both single.

So, one night when I was feeling vulnerable and lonely, I signed up for a few websites. On two websites I have focused on meeting guys with my same religious beliefs, so that means most of the guys live in Utah, and therefore a date is out of the question for a while. On the third site people search by location, so I have been getting contacted from guys within my city. The thing that is easy about the first two sites is that it is just a way to network and chat with interesting guys, and quite frankly, to boost my self esteem. The third site takes things to a whole new level because knowing these guys are in the the same city as me makes them real, and because these guys are real, they actually want to meet up. I am getting asked out by all sorts of guys; but here's the catch, these guys are not Mormon.

Initially I was not at all comfortable meeting up with total strangers and I never thought I could do it. I think of myself as a fairly confident person, but when it comes to dating and guys, I clearly don't have the best game. I can be shy at times, and slightly awkward. I avoid situations where I might feel that way, and because of this I have always hated going on dates. I prefer to let a relationship evolve from friendship. Sadly, my circle of friends generally consists of a majority of females and a minority of gay potential males, so none of these friendships can lead to dating.

Anyway, so last night I found myself meeting up with Buddy #1 who met me for a walk in a central park. What I learned from this encounter is something I have learned before, but will likely be reminded of each time I agree to meet a guy I have "met" online.

1. 3D people do not always look like their 2D photos. 
2. Witty banter and cute comments in emails do not always transfer to witty and cute conversation in person.
3. If a guy isn't good at asking questions in messages, he's likely worse at it in person.

I left Buddy #1 feeling fairly certain I would never see or hear from again, however he surprised me with many follow ups and later asked if I would like to meet up again. Nice fella, but this one is a no.

The Chase

I have always heard that men like to chase, but I wonder if it's worse in the world of Mormon dating. I know a fellow who always seems to take an interest in girls who do not reciprocate. Each time he makes his interest known, he pursues, and she rejects. For many a rejection would be indication to move on, however this seems to only encourage him more. I once heard him say that the ones who are hard to get are the ones worth chasing. But when they don't want you back, doesn't that just seem idiotic? Why do guys want to make things so complicated, and face rejection over and over again?

This boy is not unique. I've seen it time and time again. I've also seen many cases when the guy finally does get the girl, when she finally sees past his stalker and obsessive behaviour and somehow spots some charm, the boy starts to pull back, getting cold feet and suddenly ends things, often immediately finding a new victim to hunt. The thrill of the chase seems to be all that they want, and once the girl is caught, there is no real interest in a lasting relationship.

So what is wrong with these boys (and yes, I will insist on calling them boys unless they prove otherwise)? Don't they desire a relationship? Do they not want a real companion? Are they not interested in a girl who will love them in return? There must be something lacking within these souls to continually be attracted to girls who are not attracted to them. Also, what does it say about the boy who thinks a girl is so amazing, the perfect girl worth pursuing even after rejection, only to have her and then lose interest? He must not really know what he wants, or he must be too shallow to really see the girl for who she is, and instead falls in love with the idea of her.

Ah, the Idea of Her. This is a common one in Mormon culture, and it makes boys get in the way of their true interests and finding real compatibility. Because we are all looking for the one shot at marriage there is a lot of pressure to find the whole package. Boys love to create in their minds the perfect future wife. She is small and doesn't show any signs of FP (Fat Potential). She plays the piano and sings. She comes from a big family and wants to have lots of kids. She is studying to be a dental assistant or primary school teacher. She is not bitter and not over the age of 25.

Well, there are a lot of girls out there who do fit that stereotype, but not all guys subscribe to this image of perfection. Every guy has his own idea constructed in his head and is on the hunt to find it. The problem is that he will often find one aspect of a girl that he likes, and then hone in and begin the hunt assuming she is The One and has all the qualities he wants in a wife. He spends so much time chasing the idea, he doesn't even know who he's caught once the game is over.

Mormon Dating 101 - The Simple Things

You may think that Mormon dating is a complicated thing. You are both correct and incorrect. Some aspects are easy as pie (and trite cliches). Others are a tad more complex. We here at 'Plight of the Religious Dater' realize that Mormon culture varies depending on where you live and of course the individual beliefs of the people involved, but the authors have all lived in various countries across the globe and we feel confident in addressing generalities in our religious community. So, I submit a few of the simple aspects of Mormon dating that are relatively constant (please note that each point could apply to either men or women - we here at POTRD do not condone sexism):

1) Awkwardness. It will always exist, so don't even try to escape.
2) Cheapness. As in, "my date insisted we walk the 27 blocks to the theatre to save on gas".
3) Sexual uncertainty. We're not 17 anymore and it's stupid to be chaperoned at all times. How far is 'too' far?
4) Gender stereotypes. Will the lady expect the gentleman to pay? Will the gentleman expect the lady to be demure? Ad nauseum.
5) Group dates. No, even at 29 we still need our friends to bolster us when interacting with the opposite sex.
6) Hope. Hopefully there is hope. Hope that the person across the table from you at The Olive Garden will be nice, thoughtful, fun, interesting and hope that he/she will think the same about you. Sometimes the hope is all we have.

Obviously, if you've got yourself a good match, all of the above might disappear. If this happens, hold fast and do not let go. Next time, some of the more complex aspects...

Why We Are Single

I have been contemplating starting this blog for some time now, as I have numerous conversations with female and male friends who share frustrations, questions, concerns about dating. Why am I still single? Why can't I find anyone interesting at church? Why are guys at church so shallow? Why do girls seem to only care about a guy's income? The questions never end, and the answers rarely follow.

Let's start this blog off by evaluating why we are single. Some of us will say it's a choice, and others will say it's because we haven't found the "right one". However, why is it that numerous people date and marry every day, of all shapes and sizes, all backgrounds, all ages?

A few years ago I attended a lecture on dating put on by my church and the speaker told us that if we aren't dating, we aren't playing the game. I believed her, but then when I went to church the following Sunday and looked around, I thought to myself, I don't want to play the game with these guys. I then decided I was single because I couldn't find anyone who interested me. I have found many guys outside of my church who engage me in conversation, who take me on fantastic dates and treat me like a lady, who are ambitious and doing something with their lives. Why can't I find that at church? At work I find guys who are men, but at church they seem like boys who have yet to find themselves and figure out what they really want in life. Am I single because I don't like Mormon boys?

I suppose on the flip side guys can say the same things; that girls at church don't interest them, expect too much, are boring, etc. We are raised with the same values with similar backgrounds, yet many of us struggle to find compatibility in a group that should give us exactly that. The problem is that although we have religious beliefs which affect the way in which we choose to live our lives, our religion does not define us and we are all still individuals, something we have to sometimes prove to the rest of the world. We all come to earth with a unique spirit in a unique encasement, no matter what our views may be regarding God and Jesus Christ. We are brought together each Sunday because we worship these beings in the same manner, although we may not have anything else in common.

And thus leads us to the plight of the religious dater. Finding a mate is tricky enough in times of constant change and opportunity, and narrowing the field only adds to the challenge. Don't get me started on height.